dreaming of less

I am not a pack rat. In fact, I am the exact opposite. I love throwing things away (i.e. when the mustard bottle is finished, i love throwing it in the garbage), I rarely take things for free (always ask myself where I would put it). and I HATE clutter.

We are having a garage sale next week in hopes of shelling off some of our clutter.

I had a set-back yesterday when my mom brought, yet again, a few more boxes and my wedding dress. I LOVE my wedding dress, but I hate storing it. I haven't cleaned it yet. I know that I should b/c I would love for my girls to wear it (they probably won't and I'll have to fork over some cash for a new one). The good news with the wedding dress is that it gave me the opportunity to try it on. My weight goal is to be what I was when I got married. The dress fit! A little tight, but after my mother repeatedly said, "Don't expect it to fit, mine didn't. Your body changes after kids", I surprised her with a successful fitting. I was beaming. Only 10 more lbs to go.

With my mom here and her help I have gone through almost every room in the house and I'm ready to start pricing and getting a little cash out of all the things I don't use.

On another note, some funnies from Eloise.
- the other day while driving in the car, she cried as if she was in pain. I asked if she was okay and she replied "I'm okay mom". So cute.
- after running away from us, we ask her to come. She responds by stomping her feet on the ground as if she is staying put. The moment we walk towards her she finally comes.

Lily update
- NOT sleeping. She was getting out of the straight jacket we call a swaddle. So we decided to unswaddle. I had 3 hrs of sleep last night. Needless to say, she is swaddled tonight with barriers surrounding her preventing her from flipping on to her tummy. We are hoping to eliminate the swaddle within a month. We'll see how it goes.

Activity of the day

Peanut Butter Play Dough

1 cup pb
1 cup corn syrup
1 1/4 cup dry nonfat milk
1 1/4 cup powdered sugar (confectioner's sugar)

mix together and knead. Then they can eat it!


A bath is required afterwards!

Jenny

I talked about Jenny in a previous post. Check out her story, it's amazing, terrible, encouraging, and overwhelming all at once.

Every time I read of Jenny I instantly get goosebumps. I am immediately taken back to my birth with Lily.

As most of you know, Lily was a shocking surprise. Eloise was just 10 months old and dave and I had talked about trying for #2 when she was 2 or 3. Sometimes we even talked of only having one. I knew that having more than one was going to be a big challenge. I felt like having ONE was a huge challenge.

The day I found out I was pregnant I was angry. I cried the moment I took the test and then took 3 more waiting for one to say negative. Even if I was pregnant, I was going to hang onto that one negative. I was extremely upset. I didn't tell anyone for several days. In fact, I told my mom a week later, to be respectful, but I made the point of telling her that I could not talk about it. I refused to talk about being pregnant for several weeks. And even after that, never really liked talking about being pregnant, except for rare moments with Dave.

I was bitter most of my pregnancy. At the end, when people would ask me if I was ready, I would always respond no. I would rather be prego and uncomfortable than deal with two.

The morning I went into labor (of course a week early), I asked for forgiveness. I admitted that I was wrong for being angry with the Lord and not loving this baby. Lily's labor was very easy going. I was able to talk through most of it and relax in the tub throughout most of the time. Then she arrived in four short pushes lasting 15 minutes. When everyone in the room yelled, "It's a girl" my heart melted. The first time Eloise met her sister and kissed her, I burst into tears. It was going to be okay.

Lily has changed me. She has relaxed me. She has shown me that I can survive with kids. That I can get 25 things done a day and still be calm. She has cuddled with me, although still not a rocker like eloise. Lily won't even let me sit in the rocker except to nurse. She has softened me and allowed me the forgiveness the Lord was providing.

When I think of my birth and think about Jenny I feel so thankful that the Lord provided a wonderful home birth with no complications and so much support and love. I cannot even imagine never being able to hold lily, see her coming out, or nurse. Jenny still hasn't communicated with words. My heart aches for that family. I cannot imagine what kind of pressure her husband must feel. I think of Dave and what he would do. It is by God's grace that they are all holding together. Please pray that Jenny would heal quickly and be able to hold her new baby girl. Pray for her husband and their other little girl.

tidbits

A few things I've been meaning to write.

**My grandmother had surgery on Tuesday to remove a portion of her lung infected with cancer. All went well and I talked on the phone with her yesterday. Praise the Lord for a great surgery. We are hoping the pathology report comes back with good news.

Lily once woke once last night! But she ended up spitting up all over her bed and was sleeping in it. yuck! I felt so bad when I got her this morning and she was drenched.

The Morning Marathon.

I've had one of those mornings so far where you are jolted out of bed to the sing song tune of "Mooooooommmmmmmyyyyyyyyy". Sometimes I'm so jolted I feel a tad nauseous. Eloise needed milk and I took it to her in bed and put a few toys in her crib to play with. It allows me to go back to sleep for a few minutes. Just after the call from eloise, I heard Lily. I went to her and found her drenched. I had to change her, feed her, put her swaddle blanket in the wash, put her tub, change eloise's diaper, put her in the tub, take lily out and get her dressed, get eloise out and dressed, give eloise breakfast and the finally an hour and half later I'm sitting and eating breakfast. Then not 10 minutes after I'm done, put lily down for a morning nap. Someone would have been exhausted just watching me.

**Watching Eloise this morning I came face to face with the reality that she is growing up. Her independence is improving daily. She even says "by myself". She can now crawl into her car seat, up into her high chair and yesterday climbed up a play structure using the rock wall part.
Where did my baby go??? She is still in a crib, but dangerously close to not fitting soon because she is so tall. Potty training seems just around the corner. She is getting more hair, finally, which makes her seem like even more of a big girl. (no hair cuts yet)
I find because of her verbal abilities, I expect more of her at times. I have to remember she isn't even two yet.

here are some of her funnies lately:

+here's what I heard while dave was changing her poopy diaper.
E - "daddy hurt my bum bum. Daddy kiss it" (kisses are magical in our house for healing everything)
D - "Nope, not going to kiss your bum bum"

+she climbs into bed when dave wakes up around 9:30 and starts jumping. She is really into boobies because mom is nursing. She calls them "boobabies". She climbed into bed today and found daddy's "boobabies". Daddy felt really violated.

+every time she farts or someone else does, she yells, "I tooted" and starts laughing hysterically.

There are so many more. I wish I had a recorder every time she said something funny.

I have changed the name of the blog. I am 99% sure we are not having any more children, but just in case I thought I lead it open for change. 2 could always be 3. But for my sanity, let's hope not.

A trip down memory lane

My parents are building a new house and therefore have the need to get out all the extra boxes in their current house. Some of those boxes belong to me. Most of them consist of happenings previous my first year of college. I have put a few things in them, but mom has contributed the most.

Two months ago these boxes decided to descend upon our household via my parents. I tucked them away in the garage and promised myself to go through them before year end. Well, we are having a garage sale in 2 weeks and there is a need for space and a HUGE need to get rid of extra clutter. So today I embarked on the journey to unload the boxes full of.....JUNK!

Well not all of it is junk, but most. For some reason, long ago, I decided to save every card from birthday's, graduation, and confirmation. What? Why did I think I was going to want to read through this 50 years from the date they were written? So I sat, shaking my head at myself, filling up the recycle bin.

There were lots of pictures. Most I will be burning for fear of my girls seeing them. One is a photo album that Michelle and I will be burning together in August when I'm up in Bellingham. Looking through them, it didn't feel like looking at me. It felt like looking at a woman who was insecure, lost, and hungering for the wrong attention.

There were baseball uniforms, piano books, report cards, awards and medals from piano and baseball, toys, pottery (I loved pottery in high school), and teeth. Yep, you read it right, I saved my pulled teeth (I had 12 teeth pulled before I was 9 - I hate the dentist). WHY ON EARTH did I save my teeth? Gross! I obviously put them in the garbage.

It was a humorous day for me and pretty enlightening for Dave. He now wonders who this girl was before he met me.

Here are a few of my favorite findings.

The cabbage patch doll. My first. Wally was his name and I think he had the same birthday as me. I also found his birth certificate. He has a hole in his mouth for his Binky. I wish I had it for Eloise.


My Kappa Alpha Theta beer mug. Dave is planning on using it for coffee. It makes me nauseous just looking at it.



And my favorite. Dave modeling a few of my favorite baseball shirts. He is so sad that he can't fit into them. But I will give him props for being able to "fit" into them. He's lost 30 lbs and I know he wouldn't have been able to wear them before.

I have to say, I'm not sad to see most of these memories go.

Supportive friends

I am so thankful for all of your encouragement. I know that what I experienced wasn't anywhere near life threatening or all that bad. It was just a day when a mama hit the end of her rope. Thankfully there was no injury or major catastrophe that came out of it.

Today we have relaxed. I went for a LONG walk this morning with a friend in the rain. It was wonderful. I am a true Northwestern Lady. I hate the heat and love a good 75 degree day, slightly cloudy with a small breeze. I can leave the windows open to air out the house and I'm not changing my outfit 16 times to avoid stinking from my sweaty body.

As I bask in my exhaustion of yesterday, I am reminded of this woman Jenny. We are connected, not as friends, but through friends of Montavilla. My heart aches for her right now having just been through my second birth. Please pray for Jenny, her husband and their little girls. I am praying for strength for her husband to take care of their two little ones, take care of his wife, and all the while making sure that he is holding himself together.

I am thank God for the healthy lives we have.

Oh My Word!!!!

Today was a day that will live on in my memory FOREVER!

It started out good. I lost 3.4 lbs at weigh in (hoping it's not muscle - but I think I'm on track for 1.5 lbs per week - I'm good), had a wonderful morning with dave and the girls and was feeling relaxed and hoping to make an easy day of it.

Angela called to ask if we wanted to go to PB & Ellie's. My first thought is no. Second is, if I don't go, she is going to think I'm total wimp for not wanting to get out of the house. Okay, I'll go.

Lily hasn't had the greatest naps at this point in the day, but it's 2:00 and I figure I can mess up the last two. She'll only take 45 minutes at home and her nap schedule hasn't really been established.

PB & Ellie's is on the west side of town (SW Portland). It's about a 20 minute drive without traffic.

Lily was pretty fussy and hadn't pooed. I decided instead of fighting a nap I would leave early in hope of coming home early to have a proper bedtime. So we pack up. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, Lily hasn't pooped, I must grab another outfit just in case. Nope, I forgot

We pile into the car and not a mile down the road lily poops. I think about turning around, but disregarding it hoping she'll fall asleep and I'll just change it there.

We get to PB & Ellie's and I look down at Lily and wouldn't you know it, she has pooped everywhere and it's all over her clothes and car seat. Angela hasn't arrived yet and I'm already starting to sweat with anxiety. I have no choice but to take off her clothes and let her hang out in her diaper. I am MORTIFIED! I love to dress my girls and to be honest, I love when people comment on their clothes. (I know it's crazy, but at least I'm admitting it).

Angela arrives and I'm so happy I have someone to converse with and talk about my naked baby.

Then Eloise poops. Okay, we can deal. Then I have to nurse. Those who have been around me while nursing, know that I CANNOT do it in public. I'm too worried someone is going to see my boob. I wish I could relax like other moms, but I just can't, I've accepted it. I find a chair in the store that is nestled in the corner. I seem to manage despite the naked, sweaty, diapered girl.

Eloise has alot of fun with willy and audrey. Although she hasn't eaten and is a bit disobedient (she's almost 2 - figures).

So it's 5:30 by this time and I'm thinking it's time to head home because of traffic. The girls should be okay. WRONG!!!!!!

First, while walking out to the car, Eloise runs away from me in the parking lot. I panic, drop Lily in the carseat and run after her. Screaming. I grab her and instantly want to beat some sense in her, but know there are about 30 people watching through the window. She manages to get the point.

About 10 minutes into the drive Lily starts to cry. Right about this point I hit rush hour traffic. Eloise starts to cry too and I'm scrambling to find things in my car that she can play with. She has toys, but there are always those little things that she finds way more fun. They both cried for 30 minutes!!!! Every once in a while Eloise would stop to say, "Lily, Lilylou, Almost there Lily".

I wanted to stop and pull lily out. She was crying so hard it was so sad. I got home and she was whimpering for at least 30 minutes after I put her down. She barely nursed and was so distraught. It kills me when she is that sad.

The whole time I'm driving I'm praying for the Lord to comfort her. I'm trying to find ways to cope with this incredibly tense situation while driving. And I'm also hearing Jody Mayhew saying "are you going to get through this day blessing or cursing?" I couldn't really think of how to curse at that moment so I guess I wasn't doing that, but I wasn't really finding ways to bless.

I know that I berate myself for decisions like this. I think, "I just should have stayed home, why do I do this to my children", "I will NEVER have anymore children" and...I can't think of anymore at the moment, but I know there were more.

Situations like these are hard because I feel like I have failed my kids. I know it's not true, but I really strive to make sure that my kids have all their basic needs met, sleep, eating, and playing. I feel like I failed lily for not getting her enough sleep and Eloise (although I can't control it) eating. I know, I know, I know that these are not true. But these are the vulnerable areas of my life where Satan can deceive me. Dave helped to talk me out of it tonight. I am so thankful for his ability to read me.

I have survived the day. I have watched a hilarious show about Victoria Beckam and it helped to lighten the mood. I have also given the Lord much thanks for helping me to survive the day.