thoughts - warning - long one!

I've thought alot about my post last week and what was triggering those feelings and thoughts. So many ideas came to mind, but I'll just share a few.

But first, remember this as you read, not just this post but all posts I write. I feel honored and blessed to be the mother of my children. I believe wholeheartedly they were handpicked and designed by God for me to be their mother. I love them dearly.

These thoughts are not directed at any one person. Just thoughts I have milling about.

Thought #1: I often hear the line, 'be thankful for what you have'. I love this line, no kidding, it's true and I need to remember it. I am thankful, without a doubt, but there are moments that I long for something else. Moments, not constant time, moments. It's like when I hear someone say they wouldn't trade being a mother for anything, I stop and think, would I? NO WAY! But maybe I would trade some moments for a week in Mexico laying at the beach with a Pina Coloada in my hand. Does it mean I love my children less? Nope. Just means that as a mom I need a moment to take a deep breath and get my bearings.

Thought #2: I grieve for those who are infertile or have difficulty getting pregnant. And I recognize that comments about struggling with my children fall hard on those trying to get pregnant. I have dear friends who struggle with it and it breaks my heart to see them in pain. Recognize though that being fertile doesn't mean I automatically feel blessed by my children b/c I have them. My fertile surprises are just that, surprises, and they cause me serious struggles with the Lord over loss of control and their timing. Being pregnant with Lily left me bitter and angry for over a year and took serious repentance to move into a place of loving her fully.

Thought #3: Blogs. Oh, blogs. They are a curse and a blessing. I love to read the successes of other women. Their creative projects, their perfect muffins, and beautiful pictures of their kids. But I've realized that this breeds something, envy. Why can't I do that? How do they have time for that? If I only had a better camera. Reality is lost in pictures and recipes of perfect dinners. There are rare, sobering pictures of laundry piles, burnt dinners and crumbs under the table. I'm all for hanging my hat on something I've done successfully and sharing it with the world, but I want people to know that I'm real and that's why I shared the post last week. I know some might see it as whining or that I'm just filled with complaint. I don't want to be and I'm reminding myself all the time that compliant is evidence of doubting God's goodness to me. And He is good! But I feel the need to share with others b/c I need to know I'm not the only one who is having hard time working through this.

I know that God has created us all different as mother's. For some, mothering is as natural as eating. For others, it's like we have the wrong shoe on all day, nothing seems to fit right and we question all we do. For the rest, we fall somewhere in the middle.

I want to be an encouragment to all women, especially mothers. I want to have an open, non-judgmental ear to listen. Even when some need to say, "I'm ready to sell them on craigslist". I know they aren't serious, just incredibly overwhelmed, need 20 minutes to think and not hear me respond with judgement. I know that they love their children deeply and madly and would crumble at the thought of anything horrible happening to them. I cherish my friends that I can do this with b/c I feel at complete peace knowing that they get me and I don't have to explain a thing.

I air all these thoughts because I need to. Because these are the roots of being overwhelmed --judgement, envy, failure, and disappointment. I want freedom from all of these and I'm working to release them one at a time.