Thursday, November 5, 2009

all consuming

success is escaping me

my jeans are too tight

dust is draping all over my house

there are crumbs under the table

a dishwasher that needs unloaded

children that are whining and complaining at an alarming rate

a child begging to be schooled and I don't have the mind to do it

princess dresses littering the house

a bathroom that needs cleaning

clothes on the floor

a child who won't sleep more than 35 minutes during the day

3 hours of sleep last night

and after all of this I cannot muster up the strength to find any type of success in my day so far and it's on 11:30 a.m. It feels as if everywhere I look I see failure, something I'm not doing right. It's as if I've missed the formula that everyone else has.

I'm not training my kids right, I'm not teaching them to their max potential, they probably watch too much TV and consume too much white sugar. I cannot shake this. I just need mercy and grace and i can't seem to find it.

This is the stage I loathe. This is the point postpartum that takes me down. This is the phase I must power through and I hate that I have to do that. I know it will even out, but it's just so overwhelming at times.

sorry to be such a downer, I'm normally not, but my thoughts of others having it altogether is consuming me today.


anne said...

No one has it altogether...they're just trying to fool the outside world!

Even as someone who has no kids and a pretty easy-going life - I don't have it altogether. That doesn't mean I don't attempt to make it appear that way. (Which is not right either!)

Hang in there Kate! You're an incredible mother and you've got to give yourself some credit. I know several of us look at you with keep that in mind. :)

In the meantime, I'll do something practical for you...I'll pray!

amanda said...

if it makes you feel any better - i am still in my pjs. playhouse disney was on for like two hours this morning. i burnt our attempt at a special fall treat. and i am curled up in bed pouting about it all.


Unknown said...

Your faith and family are your success story.

Your jeans will fit again someday.

Dust, crumbs, dirty dishes, clothes, and bathrooms can wait, just spend some time with your whiny kids.

A house full of princess dresses is just proof that you'de got enough money to buy your kids everything they need and more.

I can't help with the sleep or schooling, but if I were closer, I'd come clean your house!!

Hang in there!

Bekah said...

Hey, it's Bekah again, that stranger who also has 3 kids. I just really want to encourage you during this time. I always found the postpartum stage difficult, but the 3rd time really kicked my butt. Those feelings of failure, of missing the boat, of just not being good enough, of ruining the lives of my poor unfortunate older children, they plagued me. Don't let them get you. Focus on what God says about you. Realize all of this is only for a season. Like you said, power through, but also, change the standards you have for yourself (so hard to do). Also, don't be afraid to seek help. I ended up getting on some meds and seeing a therapist for a while because I just couldn't get ahold of myself. And I don't feel bad about it. :)

Anyway, I so know how you feel. I pray that you find your way through it soon.

kate said...

thanks ladies. Your kind comments are so encouraging.

bekah - we need to get together with aimee someday. I would love to meet you. The third time IS hard and I really wasn't expecting to experience such chaos and overwhelming emotion associated with it. thanks.

amanda - thanks for the chuckle and I am so with you on the pouting. sometimes I want to hide in the bathroom.

Carrie said...

Hope you don't mind me leaving you a comment here. I stumbled upon your blog and am hoping to give you some encouragement too. Although I only have two kiddos I remember well the discouragement and overwhelming feelings that came with trying to balance so many things while in the trenches of figuring it all to meet everyone elses needs while keeping your head above water when the world around you seems to have it all together. I'll pray that you rest and rememeber 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

P.S. Your family is beautiful!

Kate said...

i love you!

Shannon said...

I've been working on a silimar post for weeks now. I think blogs need a little of this to keep them honest. Thanks for sharing.

AnonyMe said...

Kate, you are not alone, and none of the folks out there who you think are perfect really are. You are doing a hard thing, being mama to three very young children. They need so much from us, and it makes us so tired. As long as they have our love, and know that they do, most of that other stuff is simply irrelevant. Lean on your friends and family, and ask for (or accept) help when you need it. I hope these feelings have already passed.

Dena said...

this post makes me take a deep breath and feel utter relief that i'm not alone. (which in turn should let you know, you're NOT alone! :)

Brenda L said...

I love your complete honesty Kate. Clothes will fit again if I have to eat all the food you cook. Don't push me, I'll do it.
You are aware that everything looks absolutely horrible if you only have 3 hrs of sleep right?
Oh, you are teaching them right because when I interact with them they are reciting verses, singing bible songs and playing nicely. Yeap, sounds like a home run to me.

Shelby said...

Kate...somehow I missed this post until tonight.

I don't know what it feels like to have three. I do know how overwhelmed I feel at times with only two.

The phrase that comes to mind at this moment is "This too shall pass".

And from will pass ALL too quick when we look back on it.

Love and hugs!