when sleep is good...

...the milk is not.

Most mama's know that a sleeping newborn is priceless. It's something you can't plan or predict for, you just have to take it as it comes. But when you are a breastfeeding mama, this can have a backfire effect.

ENGORGEMENT!

It's that wonderful feeling when you want your child to nurse and they are sleeping peacefully so you wouldn't dare wake them. No way! And what's worse, is you wish you were sleeping but for some reason you have two rock hard melons preventing you from getting comfortable in ANY position.

You debate, should I get up and pump? If I get up, will they wake up? And let's just be honest, the pump is not the most comfortable feeling in the world. Plus, finding it at 3 a.m. and putting the pieces together for the first time sounds like ALOT of work.

So you lay there in pain. Desperate for sleep but so thankful this little one is asleep.

Finally, he wakes! Relief. But it's like trying to nurse a watermelon. If only the rock hard feeling would let down. Finally after tears, pain, and yet ANOTHER let down, he latches. No it's time to break out that pump. Mama's got LOTS of milk.

the wall

There comes a point in every new mama where you hit "the wall". For some this is just a day, for others, a season.

I hit my wall last night. And it seems the rest of my family is hitting theirs today. Last night I was overcome with emotion, sleep-deprivation, and thoughts of how I'm going to navigate through this. Today, Lily lost it in a way I've never seen, leading me to believe she hit her's. And then Dave this afternoon. He is out spending some time alone regaining his mental state as well. Eloise has yet to hit her's, and very well may not.

The best advice a fellow, seasoned mama gave me, (Jenny) was to give myself the first 6 weeks. In those first 6 weeks don't think about schedule, don't think about feeding, just survive. At 6 weeks, come up for air and look realistically at what you are ready to take on. But before that time, just survive. This has been the best advice and I've passed it onto many a friend. So you would think that I would take it to heart, right? It takes me just as much energy to put it into practice as anyone else.

So I give myself grace. Today and everyday. I will get through this time. We will all adjust to a new normal at some point and at that point there will be complete peace in a new way. For now I just snuggle, sleep when I can, discipline the best that I know how in the moment, and leave the dishes for another day. They won't be small forever, they won't be able to fit in the crook of my arm or play carefree as sisters. I pray I will enjoy each and every moment to the fullest.

pictures - finally

Here's a few from the big day:

Dave still in shock, and me too for that matter!

not so cute, fresh from the womb look

Daddy's first boy. (and only!)

Okay, I'm finally ready to take a look

The girls first look at their baby brother

Eloise is smitten

First family of 5 Photo! We've got some work to do.

Checking things out.

processing labor

Now that I've had 3 days to step away from the crazy intense labor I had, I've been able to remember details that I didn't recall immediately.

**I heard this at one point around 1 p.m. or so and it stands out as the most random exchange ever.
my mom: It's time to make some guacamole
Angela: How do you just whip up guacamole?


**Ellie, my midwife, told me at one point my mom was getting nervous so she decided to make a pizza. It seems there is a trend to what my mom does to get rid of her anxiety.


**I went through transition TWICE. Yes, TWICE. Once with an anterior baby and once with a posterior baby. I prefer anterior and believe that labor would have been much easier if he would have taken that route.


**This little guy decided to flip to anterior right before coming out. Ellie had only seen that once before and Heather, my other midwife, had never seen it. He really did move constantly inside me and proceeded to follow suite upon entering the world.


**I sobbed the moment my girls walked in. It was the most precious moment ever and I knew they would fall in love with their little brother the moment they saw him. Eloise was a bit overwhelmed but kissed him all over. Lily kept posing for all the camera's and paid little attention to Sam.

There's more I'm sure, but I wanted to get these down before I forgot. Pictures will come soon.

picture

Angela took pictures for me and I am planning on getting them tonight or tomorrow but until then here is baby Sam's picture. Here's her small write up.

the birth of sam

He's here! After a much awaited arrival little Samuel Fenimore Ahl has made his appearance and he is one BIG kid. He came last night at 9:16 p.m. weighing 9 lbs 13 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. The most impressive part, he has a 14 inch head. That was fun to push out.

Here's how the day progressed.

Our plan was to start some herbs 10 a.m. Around 8:30 a.m. I started to go into labor naturally. It was slow but at least I knew we wouldn't have to work at making it start which gave me some relief.

Ellie checked me at 10:30 and my fore bag of waters had broken and I was already 6 cm. I hadn't even had any real contractions at this point so I felt encouraged that this labor would progress quickly.

Around 11 everyone started to arrive. I had an amazing group of women that I'll call the "birth team". My midwives, Ellie and Heather, the apprentice Jenny, my friend Angela and my mom. Dave of course is part of this team too but my husband doesn't do well watching me in pain. In fact at one point during pushing he said that he might have to go outside and "punch something". He's happy to surrender a first post position to a group of women helping me to labor through the pain.

Let the party begin. My mom arrived with tons of food and magazines. We watched TV and relaxed until the real labor began around 4 ish. It was perfect. I loved having people distract me and joke around with me during those early contractions. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

Around 4 hard labor started to kick in. I got in the birth tub and it started to slow down. Right before I had gotten in I was at 9 cm and felt really optomistic but something happened to make me think that things had slowed. I have as yet to give birth in the tub so I felt like I should get out and labor elsewhere. What happened, which my midwives didnt' tell me, which I'm glad that they didn't, was that he flipped posterior and took me back to 6 cm.

I got out and took another 3 hours to progress back to 10 cm and pushing. It was alot of pushing on my back and rocking in a standing position.

I tried to remain positive but I have to say at this point I was falling apart a bit. I felt discouraged and overwhelmed. I had in my head that this baby would make his appearance quicker than the other two. I didn't think it would be 2 hours but I thought maybe 5 or so. So I had to adjust my expectations and muster up strength to go the distance.

At 8:30 I was finally complete and felt like pushing. With Lily I only pushed 3 times, so this couldn't be that much longer right?....wrong.

A few minutes into pushing I knew this wasn't the same. My fear was that it was going to be like Eloise (3 1/2 hours of pushing). I started to lose all motivation. Thankfully I had great women around me cheering me on.

Here's why it was taking so long. This little boy was presenting posterior. At one point I made the statement, "I feel like I'm breaking in half". Finally at the last minute he flipped anterior (the right way). After 45 minutes of pushing the little guy finally made his appearance.

I cried many tears of joy but more tears of relief. I was done. I was crying so hard I didn't even notice this little slimmy person laying on my belly for 10 minutes.

It was an amazing birth experience and I appreciate the women who attended me, my husband who supported me, and my family that cheered me on. It is great to finally be holding this little baby in my arms. We are all happy baby Sam is here.

I'll post pictures soon.

Wow! 2 weeks!

I never imagined that with my 3rd baby I would be overdue by 2 weeks. I knew the 3rd baby was always the question mark as far as how long birth would last, but I never thought that it would be late. But, here I am, 2 weeks overdue.

It's been interesting to watch how the people around me respond. Most are shocked. Some anxious. Others worried. Some perplexed why I would even allow myself to get to this point. But most incredibly supportive and excited to see when this little man will arrive.

I know not allowing a medicinal intervention is not popular. I'm no stranger to that, I am choosing a home birth. But I know that my baby is doing well. He has a great heartbeat, I have energy and show no signs of stress or anything going awry. When I feel worried or overwhelmed I call my midwife and talk through those issues with her. THAT is why I chose a home birth. I have an incredible relationship with the woman who is going to help me bring this child into the world. I trust her implicitly with my life and know that she would never, ever take a risk that would endanger me or my baby. And as I have said many times, I trust the Lord and His timing and I know that he is in control of my life and this birth. I rest safely in that.

So I have waited. Tomorrow we will do some homeopathic tricks to get this baby to move. I'm hoping that all will work and I will get to meet this tiny baby tomorrow. I'll let you know!