weighty issue (pardon the pun!)

So many thoughts milling about my brain so I'm just going to throw them out and hope they make sense.

I have a poor self-image.  (how's that for starting out?!)  If someone were to compliment me on my skills (organized, efficient), I would feel over the moon.  That would encourage me the most.  If someone were to compliment me on my looks, it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.  Why? Not sure, but it seems like a good time to tackle it b/c I've got two tiny girls that are growing up fast and their watching what I'm doing.  And how I respond to myself is how they will respond.

So how did I realize this?  We had pictures done in the park the other day.  It was a perfect afternoon.  The not so perfect part - the location.  The day was beautiful.  But we were in a park.  Rule #1: NEVER, and I mean NEVER, have your children's pictures taken in a park with a playground.  They are distracted and unable to focus on the task at hand.  They're 1,3 & 5.  Makes total sense.  I wouldn't be able to focus either if my mother never took me to parks.
No one would look at the camera, Sam was incredibly cranky and I was getting more and more anxious by the minute.  The flow was not happening.  Finally, the day was finished.  Here's just one example of this day was NOT flowing (gotta love that scream)

 On the way home Eloise threw up in the car from being carsick, Sam gagging himself and Lily watched on in horror as I'm frantically begging her not to have a sympathy throw up.  Once we got home, my first response was to eat myself silly from all the anxiety.  Or bake.  I resisted both but it brought up a good point that this is not the way to deal with frustration and it's not the way I want my children to deal with it. (side note:  Lily threw up in her bed the next morning at 4 a.m. from coughing so much....what are the chances?)

The above story to say, when i got the pictures back, I was in a few.  I could barely look at them.  I was tearing myself apart.  Granted, the outfit I chose was not the best, and I'm okay admitting that, but it was not the outfit, it was me.  Immediately I went to my overall look and weight. Well, I need to lose 30 lbs.  That's what would make this all okay.

Nope, it's not what would make it all okay.  Because when the lbs are gone, I still haven't deal with the heart issue of it all.  Do I love the person God created me to be?  When He created me He took delight in what He made?  If my child comes to me and says that they don't like their hands, my first response would be, No.  They are perfect.  They were created for you and they are exactly as intended.  Beautiful.  So, I'm imagining, as I look at myself and think all these negative thoughts, my Father in Heaven is thinking the same thing.  No.  I made those perfect.  I designed them just the way I wanted them to be.  Take delight in my creation.

So I'm trying to connect it all together.  I haven't come to any conclusions besides what habits I want to break for my children.
First, stop seeing other people in terms of weight.  Weight does not determine their success or failure in the world.  And it certainly does not determine their worth.
Second, start seeing myself through the eyes of my Creator.  I know how to eat well.  I know when imbalance is off.  The key isn't working myself into a place where I feel like I'm pleased.  It's being pleased with the design I started out with and learning how to eat the great foods that God created for us to eat (I could start learning to like raw carrots.  It might be tough, but I'll try).
Third, to make sure my girls NEVER see me demean myself because of weight.  I DO NOT want them to demean themselves because of it.  Therefore, i have to model it.

This is such a big concept for me to get, but I'm committed to the refinement.  I'm committed to taking this issue of weight and kicking it to the curb.  And please remember, I'm in no way saying that losing weight is not a good thing.  It's great.  I'm so proud of the accomplishment when people lose weight.  I'm proud of their commitment, dedication, follow-thru, and decision to work hard to get their bodies to a place where it's flowing in a healthy way.  I commend all of that.  I just want to be satisfied with who I am before that process starts.  To know that my Father is pleased with His creation regardless of the 20lbs I'm still carrying around.