Oh My Word!!!!

Today was a day that will live on in my memory FOREVER!

It started out good. I lost 3.4 lbs at weigh in (hoping it's not muscle - but I think I'm on track for 1.5 lbs per week - I'm good), had a wonderful morning with dave and the girls and was feeling relaxed and hoping to make an easy day of it.

Angela called to ask if we wanted to go to PB & Ellie's. My first thought is no. Second is, if I don't go, she is going to think I'm total wimp for not wanting to get out of the house. Okay, I'll go.

Lily hasn't had the greatest naps at this point in the day, but it's 2:00 and I figure I can mess up the last two. She'll only take 45 minutes at home and her nap schedule hasn't really been established.

PB & Ellie's is on the west side of town (SW Portland). It's about a 20 minute drive without traffic.

Lily was pretty fussy and hadn't pooed. I decided instead of fighting a nap I would leave early in hope of coming home early to have a proper bedtime. So we pack up. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, Lily hasn't pooped, I must grab another outfit just in case. Nope, I forgot

We pile into the car and not a mile down the road lily poops. I think about turning around, but disregarding it hoping she'll fall asleep and I'll just change it there.

We get to PB & Ellie's and I look down at Lily and wouldn't you know it, she has pooped everywhere and it's all over her clothes and car seat. Angela hasn't arrived yet and I'm already starting to sweat with anxiety. I have no choice but to take off her clothes and let her hang out in her diaper. I am MORTIFIED! I love to dress my girls and to be honest, I love when people comment on their clothes. (I know it's crazy, but at least I'm admitting it).

Angela arrives and I'm so happy I have someone to converse with and talk about my naked baby.

Then Eloise poops. Okay, we can deal. Then I have to nurse. Those who have been around me while nursing, know that I CANNOT do it in public. I'm too worried someone is going to see my boob. I wish I could relax like other moms, but I just can't, I've accepted it. I find a chair in the store that is nestled in the corner. I seem to manage despite the naked, sweaty, diapered girl.

Eloise has alot of fun with willy and audrey. Although she hasn't eaten and is a bit disobedient (she's almost 2 - figures).

So it's 5:30 by this time and I'm thinking it's time to head home because of traffic. The girls should be okay. WRONG!!!!!!

First, while walking out to the car, Eloise runs away from me in the parking lot. I panic, drop Lily in the carseat and run after her. Screaming. I grab her and instantly want to beat some sense in her, but know there are about 30 people watching through the window. She manages to get the point.

About 10 minutes into the drive Lily starts to cry. Right about this point I hit rush hour traffic. Eloise starts to cry too and I'm scrambling to find things in my car that she can play with. She has toys, but there are always those little things that she finds way more fun. They both cried for 30 minutes!!!! Every once in a while Eloise would stop to say, "Lily, Lilylou, Almost there Lily".

I wanted to stop and pull lily out. She was crying so hard it was so sad. I got home and she was whimpering for at least 30 minutes after I put her down. She barely nursed and was so distraught. It kills me when she is that sad.

The whole time I'm driving I'm praying for the Lord to comfort her. I'm trying to find ways to cope with this incredibly tense situation while driving. And I'm also hearing Jody Mayhew saying "are you going to get through this day blessing or cursing?" I couldn't really think of how to curse at that moment so I guess I wasn't doing that, but I wasn't really finding ways to bless.

I know that I berate myself for decisions like this. I think, "I just should have stayed home, why do I do this to my children", "I will NEVER have anymore children" and...I can't think of anymore at the moment, but I know there were more.

Situations like these are hard because I feel like I have failed my kids. I know it's not true, but I really strive to make sure that my kids have all their basic needs met, sleep, eating, and playing. I feel like I failed lily for not getting her enough sleep and Eloise (although I can't control it) eating. I know, I know, I know that these are not true. But these are the vulnerable areas of my life where Satan can deceive me. Dave helped to talk me out of it tonight. I am so thankful for his ability to read me.

I have survived the day. I have watched a hilarious show about Victoria Beckam and it helped to lighten the mood. I have also given the Lord much thanks for helping me to survive the day.