Thursday, February 4, 2010

sleep deprived mama

I'm not a person who struggles spiritually. In fact, during Dave's time of unemployment I felt closest to the Lord. But when my children don't sleep through the night or are having trouble sleeping as babies, I am wrecked. I question almost everything. My insecurity as a parent is at it's peak and my anxiety level is through the roof.

Why? I really don't know. My greatest question is why other people have kids that sleep easily and I don't. Kind of like a kid asking why their sister got something and they didn't. Complete with feet stomping.

I am so overtired I feel physically sick. My hands shake almost all the time and I have little patience for my other two. It's at that point. You know the point where you have to let them cry and everything within you doesn't want to. Where you think others are going to think you are the worst parent in the world. (Chances are those parents who think you are horrible, didn't have kids who had sleeping issues).

I've tried everything. I make sure I cover my bases for all those things 'they' say you should do. Put down awake. Check.
On a schedule. Check.
Consistent bedtime. Check.
Seriously, I've done it all. And now that I'm looking at all of this, I'm wondering if I didn't do it all and just let it be if my children would have slept better. Who knows?

All this to say, my mind is mush, my body is beyond exhausted, and it's to the point where Dave has to take over and i need to let go. Sam is loved deeply and dearly. His mama would appreciate him more if she got more than two hours sleep.

Prayers for sleep much appreciated. And prayers for peace of mind even more appreciated.

7 comments:

amanda said...

totally understand. mine is two and hasn't taken a nap in over a week. and has been up all hours of the night wide awake. she should be exhausted! it's like it never stops!

hang in there - sam is loved and you both will get through this. promise.

TcH said...

glad your mom is coming to help. Sounds like you are ready for some granny time.

rebecca said...

I think they would be the same, even if you had done things different. I say that because I am on the opposite end of the schedule spectrum and my kids don't sleep either, as you know. It is 12:18am and in exactly 1 hour and 11 minutes Lukas will wake up screaming. It's clockwork. Like he has an alarm that says, Mama is heading to bed, wake up!
Someday, KAte, they will sleep, and then, WE WILL!!!!! I can't even imagine what 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep would be like anymore. Or 7,or 6 or even 5 really.....

Swindler Family of Four said...

Kate - We are truly in the same boat! Perhaps Sam & Ian are much alike. Remember when Ian did the screaming thing for 3 straight hours a night for nearly 3 months when he was 7 months old? Well, I'm convinced he spent those hours trying to wrap his head around learning to crawl forwards and to walk. When he finally started walking and crawling forward the screaming stopped for awhile. We've been back at it again for the last few weeks, but ya know, He's had a few good nights in a row (meaning I've only been up 1 or 2 times for less than 20 minutes)& now he is talking like crazy! He just put 2 words together this morning & is having about 3-5 new words a day!

Hang in there! I'm sure Sam's working on being a genius!

Grace & peace to you! & Sleep too!
Shannan

The Horne's said...

Oh man, I'm so sorry. In about 4 months, I'm sure my blogs will follow your feelings too. I hope my baby will sleep, but ya just never know.
Hang in there....this too shall pass....in a while. ;-)

Shelby said...

Prayers for sleep and peace of mind. Just keep remembering...this will soon pass and you'll actually long to have some of these times back!!

The Hansen Family said...

Hang in there, Kate. And remember that God made you their mama for a reason. He gives you special knowledge for each of your special kids, who are different from every other kid. Try to put aside thoughts of what you "ought" to do, or what others do even- really it's not helpful for what you're going through 'cause honey, you're too tired for guilt. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do to get through this. They're NOT going to remember any of your perceived "mistakes" anyway! I will pray for you guys. And, also remember that kids go through SO many stages, & that it SO feels like forever when you're in each one, but they really do pass before you know it. I KNOW God will give you the strength you need, hon. Hugs, Gin.