Sunday, November 8, 2009

thoughts - warning - long one!

I've thought alot about my post last week and what was triggering those feelings and thoughts. So many ideas came to mind, but I'll just share a few.

But first, remember this as you read, not just this post but all posts I write. I feel honored and blessed to be the mother of my children. I believe wholeheartedly they were handpicked and designed by God for me to be their mother. I love them dearly.

These thoughts are not directed at any one person. Just thoughts I have milling about.

Thought #1: I often hear the line, 'be thankful for what you have'. I love this line, no kidding, it's true and I need to remember it. I am thankful, without a doubt, but there are moments that I long for something else. Moments, not constant time, moments. It's like when I hear someone say they wouldn't trade being a mother for anything, I stop and think, would I? NO WAY! But maybe I would trade some moments for a week in Mexico laying at the beach with a Pina Coloada in my hand. Does it mean I love my children less? Nope. Just means that as a mom I need a moment to take a deep breath and get my bearings.

Thought #2: I grieve for those who are infertile or have difficulty getting pregnant. And I recognize that comments about struggling with my children fall hard on those trying to get pregnant. I have dear friends who struggle with it and it breaks my heart to see them in pain. Recognize though that being fertile doesn't mean I automatically feel blessed by my children b/c I have them. My fertile surprises are just that, surprises, and they cause me serious struggles with the Lord over loss of control and their timing. Being pregnant with Lily left me bitter and angry for over a year and took serious repentance to move into a place of loving her fully.

Thought #3: Blogs. Oh, blogs. They are a curse and a blessing. I love to read the successes of other women. Their creative projects, their perfect muffins, and beautiful pictures of their kids. But I've realized that this breeds something, envy. Why can't I do that? How do they have time for that? If I only had a better camera. Reality is lost in pictures and recipes of perfect dinners. There are rare, sobering pictures of laundry piles, burnt dinners and crumbs under the table. I'm all for hanging my hat on something I've done successfully and sharing it with the world, but I want people to know that I'm real and that's why I shared the post last week. I know some might see it as whining or that I'm just filled with complaint. I don't want to be and I'm reminding myself all the time that compliant is evidence of doubting God's goodness to me. And He is good! But I feel the need to share with others b/c I need to know I'm not the only one who is having hard time working through this.

I know that God has created us all different as mother's. For some, mothering is as natural as eating. For others, it's like we have the wrong shoe on all day, nothing seems to fit right and we question all we do. For the rest, we fall somewhere in the middle.

I want to be an encouragment to all women, especially mothers. I want to have an open, non-judgmental ear to listen. Even when some need to say, "I'm ready to sell them on craigslist". I know they aren't serious, just incredibly overwhelmed, need 20 minutes to think and not hear me respond with judgement. I know that they love their children deeply and madly and would crumble at the thought of anything horrible happening to them. I cherish my friends that I can do this with b/c I feel at complete peace knowing that they get me and I don't have to explain a thing.

I air all these thoughts because I need to. Because these are the roots of being overwhelmed --judgement, envy, failure, and disappointment. I want freedom from all of these and I'm working to release them one at a time.


Julie said...

Sorry - I shouldn't have written it. My intention was NOT to make you feel like I thought you were being ungrateful or anything, just to share. I WAS trying to say that "I get it" and knowing that you're blesssed doesn't take away the struggles.

Kate said...

I love you.

anne said...

Amen sister! You are real and the world (especially the Christian world) needs to hear/read posts like this one and your last one. I think you're incredible...the fact that you open up your life like this for others to see the real you! I'm impressed all around.

Nothing but love from this reader! :)

kate said...

Julie - I wrote a comment on your blog. Do not at all think I was offended or anything. My comments did not reflect what you wrote, I promise.

Julie said...

I just saw it - thank you. I've been worried all morning!

Shelby said...

Kate...I think you do a wonderful job in sharing how all mothers feel at some point or another! You are an honest, loving and open mommy that I know I've always looked up to. You don't know HOW many times I've wished I could call or email you and ask YOU a question in regards to some issue w/ my babies or faith, etc. You are a wise woman and full of HIS light. I am very thankful to have you in my life (even though only through the internet at this point).

Thank God that HE does give us grace and mercy each day and that if today is rough...thank GOD for tomorrow. If I could count the days that I feel as though I've failed. It feels good to know that all of us momma's go through those same feeling!

Love you!!


amanda said...

1) totally agree. each and every word. anytime you want to go to mexico - call me. please.

2) no words on this. it's just hard.

3) totally a curse and a blessing. there are some blogs i read that i avoid on certain days. i just can't handle the "shinniness" and also another huge reason why i went private. people in my real life seemed less understanding when certain truths came out on the bloggy. and now? so much easier.

and finally. i heart you. your thoughts. your strength. the whole package. and i am lucky to call you my bloggy buddy.

LDraper said...

I love your honesty. You are a blessing to all of us out here who have kids and want to pull our hair out at times.

I tend to only put rosy things on my blog--- mostly because I'm a wimp. But, I was so encouraged by your honesty that when I finally feel like blogging again, I'm going to try to be more transparent about the day-to-day reality.

Trust me, I have nothing to complain about in the grand scope of things. BUT this mothering thing is SO hard at times. In fact, I was just thinking earlier today that it might just be my turn to be selfish today. Is it bad that I WANTED to be selfish for a moment? :)

Okay.... now really the longest comment ever.

Thanks for encouraging me today.

AnonyMe said...

well said, Kate

Brenda L said...

Did you read my mind? I think you did. Every one struggles with their own issues and sometimes we just have to say something.